The Comic's Wife

I gotta be me. But first I need to figure who me is…


Sounds so cliché, doesn’t it? I gotta be me. People say it all the time. But what does it really mean. Well I am not sure except to say that daily I try to clear my head and figure it out. Over 25 years ago I used to know what I wanted to be. Clearly that was when I existed in a vacuum. When it was just me. Well kind of…

I have realized that all of us decide what we want to be growing up. While our body is physically and mentally changing. While, most likely, being emotionally/financially/etc supported by some adult caregiver. Implying no responsibility. These decisions are usually made when it is just us.

We get thru high school and part time jobs and high school athletics/activites. We go off into the real world, whatever that means…

We reinvent ourselves…I actually hate that word. I hate to use it. I think it is too powerful a word to use when talking about oneself. But that is just me. Maybe I have low self esteem. My husband uses it frequently when describing his journey. I never really thought of it as a journey. I guess I should have…

I have been obsessed with this notion of why it is a journey. I guess, well maybe, I guess too much. I don’t have enough conviction in my thoughts about myself. I have come to understand that this is the real problem. I think…

I only blame myself. It is my shortcoming. My downfall. I do not think I am a victim. It played out that way over many years. Now it is habit. Now it has become behavior…And I do not like it.

I am married to a man who is a great performer. Enormously talented. Gifted. A man who has “reinvented” himself over the course of his lifetime to get to where he is today. He tells me that he has no regrets and cherishes it all. He does not think he is perfect. He is self absorbed. It is not a negative trait. It is necessary for him to be like this and I am just now beginning to understand why.

For awhile I enjoyed writing about how he has made my life a fulltime job. I am not sure if I want to write about that anymore. It is his life and he loves it. He spreads that around to everyone he meets and knows. Who am I to judge him. He has no shortcomings in that area.

I, on the other hand, am not really sure what I like about who I have become. Often times I am not the mother I want to be. I am not really sure about the stepmothering part. When I watch the movie “Juno”, I am that stepmother. I have the relationship that Bren, the stepmother, has with Juno. It is what it is. My stepson knows I will be there.

My relationship with my girls is usually how I have imagined. I could not imagine loving them anymore. I truly enjoy them and love to see how they are growing up. And they are still young. I do not hover over my girls. I am always around and listening. I am always available. I like to see their personalities develop. I truly enjoy witnessing this. It is a gift.

At the end of the day I am glad that I do not have to give direction anymore. Glad to see my girls go to bed. And simply recharge for the next day. I feel as if I need to do that then also.

Perhaps I think too much. I am always trying to organize my thoughts. Searching for ways to be prepared. I do not try to control things. Never did. There is a volume of chaos in everyone’s life. It cannot possibly be controlled. I can only prepare for it

Am I anything other than “Mrs B”? I came up with that title. Have I been hiding behind it? The journey continues…