Unedited..

In the past I have asked my funny husband to read my blog before I post it. This time I didnt. So I asked Jeff to read it and what he thought about it.

"Self indulgent" is what he called the blog I posted an hour ago. "Whiney", he said. He thought it was better when I went off and poked fun. He said that I sounded like I was 2 years out of college. 2 years...He did however preface it with "Do you want my honest opinion?" I said "sure" or maybe I nodded. And so he began to tell me why he thought these things...

As he was giving me some constructive criticism, I was thinking that he was probably pissed that I called him "self absorbed". That he hates it when I say it, let alone post it. And that I didnt poke fun at him like I usually do. I was thinking that I should have waited til he was properly caffeinated and had his morning constitutional... These things I know. We have been married for awhile and I have been known to engage too soon. I can be a real pain in the ass and a handful...



I will agree with him that my older blogs are humorous compared to the previous one. But I was feeling a little whiney this morning, so I whined. Maybe I have to stop reading books by Sue Miller. She is a great author...But it was all true. And like my funny husband said "It's your blog".



So maybe I just had a moment of 'self indulgence'...



I will have to continue to make fun of my fav comic/radiocohost/husband. The readers demand it. At least one does. And like I said, in my selfindulgentwhiney blog, I gave myself the title "Mrs B", I guess I will have to live up to it.

The Comic's Wife

I gotta be me. But first I need to figure who me is…


Sounds so cliché, doesn’t it? I gotta be me. People say it all the time. But what does it really mean. Well I am not sure except to say that daily I try to clear my head and figure it out. Over 25 years ago I used to know what I wanted to be. Clearly that was when I existed in a vacuum. When it was just me. Well kind of…

I have realized that all of us decide what we want to be growing up. While our body is physically and mentally changing. While, most likely, being emotionally/financially/etc supported by some adult caregiver. Implying no responsibility. These decisions are usually made when it is just us.

We get thru high school and part time jobs and high school athletics/activites. We go off into the real world, whatever that means…

We reinvent ourselves…I actually hate that word. I hate to use it. I think it is too powerful a word to use when talking about oneself. But that is just me. Maybe I have low self esteem. My husband uses it frequently when describing his journey. I never really thought of it as a journey. I guess I should have…

I have been obsessed with this notion of why it is a journey. I guess, well maybe, I guess too much. I don’t have enough conviction in my thoughts about myself. I have come to understand that this is the real problem. I think…

I only blame myself. It is my shortcoming. My downfall. I do not think I am a victim. It played out that way over many years. Now it is habit. Now it has become behavior…And I do not like it.

I am married to a man who is a great performer. Enormously talented. Gifted. A man who has “reinvented” himself over the course of his lifetime to get to where he is today. He tells me that he has no regrets and cherishes it all. He does not think he is perfect. He is self absorbed. It is not a negative trait. It is necessary for him to be like this and I am just now beginning to understand why.

For awhile I enjoyed writing about how he has made my life a fulltime job. I am not sure if I want to write about that anymore. It is his life and he loves it. He spreads that around to everyone he meets and knows. Who am I to judge him. He has no shortcomings in that area.

I, on the other hand, am not really sure what I like about who I have become. Often times I am not the mother I want to be. I am not really sure about the stepmothering part. When I watch the movie “Juno”, I am that stepmother. I have the relationship that Bren, the stepmother, has with Juno. It is what it is. My stepson knows I will be there.

My relationship with my girls is usually how I have imagined. I could not imagine loving them anymore. I truly enjoy them and love to see how they are growing up. And they are still young. I do not hover over my girls. I am always around and listening. I am always available. I like to see their personalities develop. I truly enjoy witnessing this. It is a gift.

At the end of the day I am glad that I do not have to give direction anymore. Glad to see my girls go to bed. And simply recharge for the next day. I feel as if I need to do that then also.

Perhaps I think too much. I am always trying to organize my thoughts. Searching for ways to be prepared. I do not try to control things. Never did. There is a volume of chaos in everyone’s life. It cannot possibly be controlled. I can only prepare for it

Am I anything other than “Mrs B”? I came up with that title. Have I been hiding behind it? The journey continues…

i am just a girl...

i never write about politics. and i never write about religion. i barely even read about either one. i believe in democracy and i believe in God. i am not a fanatic about either one. i am just trying to live and enjoy life every day. with my husband. and my kids...

this economy sucks and of course it affects me. i have 3 kids to feed. and a shitload of bills to pay. like most people i know. it doesn't matter where you live...

after catching highlights of last nights debate this morning, i have been thinking about this. #1. there are entirely too many blowhards trying to out do one another. and #2. it will not really matter who wins this presidential election in nov. the rich will get richer and the entitled will become more entitled. and the middleclass, which is where i am, will get shit. it never changes. no matter who is running the country. unless i suddenly get rich, which i will not. or i suddenly go on welfare, which i will not. i will get diddley squat. and learn how to CONTINUE to live with diddley squat...

so why complain. the blowhards have the mic...

and speaking of blowhards, my fav blowhard is my husband. the funnyman. i use the term blowhard for him as a term of endearment. affection, if you will, for his talent. without the blowhards in washinton and everywhere else, he would have very little to talk about. and when he has the microphone he is telling a joke about those blowhards. and if he is telling a joke, he is probably making money. and bringing it home. so i can spend it on milk and coffee. and cable tv so we can watch hbo and the politicians talk. so he can tell more jokes and make more money.
and i can, well, i am just a girl...

i buy my coffee at trader joe's...

hurricane/tropical storm ike or whatever it was blew through cleveland and the rest of ohio the other day. and it caused all kinds of problems as you may know. most of the people i know suffered at least a power outage of some sort. more like a power outrage around here. it flickered in my little world a few times. i did manage to get 3 loads of laundry done along with 2 kid showers and 1 kid bath through it all. lucked out i guess....

it was a hot and humid sunday after a rainy friday and saturday. my garage sale sucked...all of the local weather people on my sunday morning shows said it would be windy this evening. i enjoy watching the weather. i obviously do not plan my day around it. we are in cleveland, ohio after all. it snows in the month of may here. it is 75 degrees until halloween sometimes. hard to predict. i have a taylor instrument stormoguide. it is the most accurate way for me to anticipate a storm of some sort. or at least a low front. and like i said, if you live in cleveland, there are plenty of those coming in...

well my barometer's needle was heading to the left. slowly. and it got pretty low. 29.03 or something like that. whatever. i am not a meteorologist, but that is low.

it was windy. creepy windy. and the kids were freaking out. closing windows and doors. it didn't help that they were watching jurassic park on the dvd...we had surround sound. literally...

after getting them to bed under protest, i put on the football game. which sucked if you are a browns fan. it was bad enough the buckeyes lost in california the night before. this game was going no better. the indians had already lost that afternoon...

bitch bitch bitch...

so i flip over to my beloved sunday night hbo. it is something i really look forward to. my new addiction is 'true blood'. love it. and i usually roll my eyes to vampire or zombie movies. i have had to watch the kind of vampire movies and zombie movies that jeff likes. the crazy ones. the kind of vampire or zombie movies that have a virus involved. and the vampires/zombies are fucking insane. jeff loves these movies. i really am not into them. i will make an exception for the grindhouse series though. but all in all i like my zombies dead. and i like my vampires to be dracula. you know, the old superhost stuff...

this new series is fantastic though. and i love to talk about it. but none of my friends watch it. no hbo. tragic for them. many of my friends think paying 11 bucks a month is too much for about 25 premium channels. between hbo latin and starz outerspace, there are a ton of shows on. sure there is never anything to watch, but who cares. sunday night hbo is the bomb. i guess my friends would rather drink a lot of starbucks...

i got thru all of my new vampire show and then some, when out went the cable. fuck. i was gonna watch entourage. i only catch it once and awhile, but i like it. along with tv went the cable internet. oh no...now what. radio silence. the power flickered a few times. i had to sneak in and reset the kids' alarm clocks. they had school tomorrow. jeff had to get up early. well early for him. anything before 9 am is early for the comic...

monday morning comes and i go out to get my plain dealer and debris is everywhere. jeff was out the door already. i called him to see how the roads were. he said the school buses were running. what he didn't tell me was it wasn't a chagrin school bus he saw picking up children. so i get the kids out the door and we are waiting for the bus. and waiting. and waiting. i really hate mondays and the school bus rolling up to my driveway always puts a smile on my face.

the only thing that rolled up was my neighbor who works at one of the chagrin schools. she gave me the news that all of the district was closed. no power. no phone. blah blah blah. well the kids are happy as shit and run into the house. i just stood there in my running clothes. practically weeping. i had money to spend at starbucks...


now don't get me wrong. we lucked out with the storm. we had everything that we needed. no trees fell on my house or car. no trees fell in my yard. we didn't have cable or internet but that was ok. i have plenty of dvd's. the kids could play outside. i had plenty of munchies for them. they plow thru food like you can't believe...

so i get a few calls from jeff. he wants to know if the internet is up yet. i tell him no. he tells me he needs to get something emailed today. tells me i should call time warner and see what is going on. now so far my day has been ok. kids are too happy that there is no school to even be cranky. so i don't bite his head off. or laugh at him because does he really think time warner cable is worried about his email. he had all of sunday to do it. half of northeast ohio has no electricity. who cares about his email... god help you if the power is out and you have kids home from school and you happen to have a well. with no electricity, there is no water. no water, no flush. could be a long, stinky day in the township.

i suggest he take his laptop to a venue with wi fi. oh yeah. but that would be a hassle he says. shit. that would have been my excuse if i were him. gotta go. see you in 3 hours. lots of email to send from starbucks 3 counties away from here. dummy...

the cable/internet came on in time for the 6 pm news. i watched channel 3 with a smile on my face. the smile vanished a short time later when i learned that the schools would probably be closed again on tues. so much for my trip to starbucks to sit in the corner and drink coffee and make fun of people. i was recently cashed up from the garage sale afterall. but it was ok. i had hbo and i had the internet. and i had coffee...

a dog of a day...

summer is almost over. it bums me out. i will miss the warm days. miss the flip flops. miss the bikini. i will soon move my running inside to the treadmill. i can only stand so much windburn. then it is $200 at the estee lauder counter at dilliards to find the right products to unfry my face. i can't afford that these days. spend too much money on milk as it is...

as i ran this morning i was thinking about a conversation i had with my funny husband. he is not always a laugh a minute. in fact days go by without a joke. some days self absorption takes over the humor. we do get into some thought provoking discussions about life. our individual history and what we have learned from it. i no longer wonder so much why people do what they do. now i worry only about what goes on in my own house.

we were talking about our marriage. and our previous marriages. what is different about this one. i will only speak for myself since it is my blog and not jeff's.

so this morning i was reflecting on this labor day. how hard it is to be a wife. to be a parent. to be a step parent. it is all work. and it is all fucking hard. i am quite used to the ride. getting on and staying on. making decisions and staying with them.

some people choose an ideal. and try to marry it or live with or have their career be it. sooner or later i think they realize that the living up to that ideal is not fun. they realize that they are not living in the present. you can't successfully live an ideal. because sure as shit reality gets in the way. it may be yours or it may be someone elses, but it is real. and it needs to be dealt with.

my first husband chose to live an ideal with me. we did all the perfunctory things. got married. bought a house. invested. got 2 dogs. had 2 kids. then a certain reality set in. and things changed. he probably never really was happy being with me. but i was happy with our life. i was living it. when it was painfully obvious that he was not in the same reality i was, it was over for me. and it was awful for me. but i got thru it. i don't think it was every hard for him. he missed living with his kids of course, but i do not think he ever missed me. because he never was in it to begin with...

my marriage to jeff on the other hand, is different. i feel a wide range of emotions on a daily basis. i firmly realize that i can't control shit. except me. which is a handful and was discussed previously. that is the reality. we live. day to day. paycheck to paycheck. no one said anything about being reckless though. we are just here now. if one of us gets a little ahead of themselves, the other slows them down. and then we are back to hand in hand. i have good boundaries with his career. i let the funnyman be funny. i give the artist the space that he needs. when he is entirely too self absorbed, i let him know.

i am not sure how it all happened but it works. and sometimes the funnyman points it out to me. we battle on a daily basis about parenting issues. and money. and everything else. but it means we care.

so that is what labor day means to me. we are the working class. it is all work. the marriage. the parenting. the daily grind. as mundane as it can be.

among other things, i get a little funny on the side...

we all deserve a happy labor day...

all quiet on the set...

summer vacation ended in our house this morning at about 0755hrs. or so. we have children in 2 different schools. all in the same district. the chagrin falls school district. have you heard of it?

i run the morning show in our house. i am the producer. i am the director. i take care of wardrobe... i prefer to handle those chaotic fast paced activities that parents have to deal with. the morning rush and the afterschool rush. the dinner rush. the homework rush. the bath/shower time rush and of course the bedtime rush. everything in between functions on its own. no one should have to tell a kid how to play or screw off. the rush times need a shepherd or a drill sergeant. as fate would have it, i am both...

jeff has the talent to entertain. as a matter of fact, he is the talent. he should wait until a fun diversion is needed. where kids or adults have down time. where fun is to be had. or when he gets the call from me, the morning show director...

usually his talent is not needed in the morning. the kids need to move towards a common goal. getting to the bus stop. on time. with breakfast digesting in their stomaches. with their backpacks full of the required assignments to be turned in. with a decent outfit. without tears...

as much as the funnyman can make one laugh, he can also bring one to tears. like many fathers can. if they are doing what good parents do. it happens...

so here it is a new school year. i have been preparing for this morning show for about 9 weeks. since summer break started. not that it was tough to sit at the local rec center by the pool all day with the kids, but you do it all summer long and tell me you can't wait for that school bus to roll up to your driveway around labor day. it can be difficult to be home with kids all summer long that are too young to get a job. think back to how fucking crazy you made your mother during the summer when you were bored. which is about 25 minutes into any activity. blah blah blah. i really don't like to complain about my kids on paper cause us girls utilize our girlfriends for that. before we begin to share stories about our husbands and in laws...

back to today. i got my ass up early so i could do my morning run. before anyone got up. as i ran thru the neighborhood i saw some of the high school and middle school kids waiting at their bus stops. before 0700 hrs. and all i could think of was 'look at those happy faces'. they just glared at me with that blank expression that kids have. no one recognizes me when i run. baseball hat on. pulled down like billy costigan in 'the departed'. clipping along...

jeff wanted to see the kids off on the first day. i thought that is fine. just don't interefere with the rhythm. or i will beat you. many women will tell you that the father will sometimes slow them down. i like to use jeff as an ace in the hole. if i am having a problem with something on a school morning, he is the big gun i pull out. i can summons him out of his slumber to get things moving...

i am the director of the morning show. i have been doing it long enough to know when to call 'action!!!'

i am not that anal, but on the first day of school the kids need to have their heads on. just keep moving and get there. once they are in a groove, in a few days or so, there is time to screw off a little in the morning. but not on the first day.

all my pleading and prefacing with jeff about the first day went to shit in about 30 seconds. i am in the bathroom trying to get my shit together. drying my hair or whatever. i hear jeff yell at the oldest. 'you're not wearing that'. what the fuck i thought. didn't we go over this. i didn't call 'action' yet. didn't i beg him to stay in bed until the last second so he could go outside with us and take happy pics. it was only a damn jacket...

it was no big deal but it could set the tone for the day for me. i was going to be home with jeff all day. (after i had coffee with my girlfriends of course). an argument about bullshit before he is properly caffeinated is a big no no in our house. i have learned my lesson...

so everyone went outside and we took first day of school pics. happy pics. the kids got on their respective buses and off they went...'cut!!!'

day two is nothing like day one. the comic will sleep right thru all my directing of the children. thru all the sound checks. the wardrobes changes. thru any last minute script changes. he will be sleeping peaceful in his trailer until i call 'action!'

meat hooks

the first time i was called a handful i was floored. what did he mean when he said it. it was a friend of mine who said it. i will call him kevin. he is more like family to me so i know he was not blowing sunshine or smoke up my ass. he was teasing me to make a point. he told me to ask my husband if i didn't believe him.

i was not sure what kevin meant. i have always thought that i was low maintenance. you know, easy to get along with. do whatever as an activity with friends. not fussy about eating or sleeping. i do like my girly things but i can hang with the fellas and talk baseball, etc.

so back to a handful. what does this mean. does it mean i am hard to handle? out of control? a petulant child. my exhusband called me a control freak. which was not true. it was the other way around. but it serves his life well and he seems to be very happy these days. so i couldn't be happier for him.

i have always thought, (and blogged) that the person you wait for has the control. that is obvious. i am always doing the waiting so that couldn't be it.

my husband uses a handful of hair product on his head and i barely use a dime size so that couldn't be it. the grooming differences between the comic and myself are amazing. you would think he had more hair than fabio. and he never ever throws out the container. i humor jeff and buy expensive goop for him to put on his hair. it is about an inch and a half long and receding. please don't get me wrong, he looks very cute. but does he need to use that much. hell no. so he has all these almost empty jars of wax, putty, pliable molding stuff and defining whip on his side of the cabinet. maybe he is collecting them. or he feels like will smith in 'i am legend' and somehow he will be the last survivor in the city and he cannot possibly run out of product. his hair would be tragic.

i really do like it when he spikes his hair and it goes in all crazy directions on his big old head. he looks put together is a messed up sort of way. his hair reflects him. it has got some wisdom and a lot of humor to it. just like him...

sometimes he will shower and exit the bathroom sans spiked hair. we will be just hanging out at home. just the two of us...not going anywhere. no trace of product in his hair. it just lays there flat on his head. he looks like an enormous child. (which is what he is). i will ask him if he is gonna put some stuff on his hair, you know, spike it. he will say 'no, we are just hanging out.' you see the flat, lifeless hair drives me crazy. so i will say 'go put some wax, paste or pliable molding goop on your hair it is driving me nuts...'

so anyways, back to what my friend kevin was saying about me being a handful...